Married ladies get the worst rap when it comes to sex. Someone spread the rumor that we don’t like to have it, and that someone just might be my husband. Now that I’m a mom, it’s harder for me to be sexually spontaneous. My time isn’t my own, and my husband always seems to suggest the most inopportune times to have sex — times when I’m absolutely going to say no and he’s absolutely going to get annoyed.
He used to want sex four seconds after the kids went to bed — the exact time one of them was likely to walk back into our room for one last kiss or an extra sip of water. I’ve given in a few times, and we’ve totally been caught and had to explain why my clothes were off and Daddy and I were “wrestling.” It was totally humiliating…and I won’t be able to get away with the wrestling excuse much longer. Soon, they’ll know exactly what’s going on.
Now that my kids aren’t babies anymore, my husband has been suggesting an even worse time to have sex. He’s hell bent on getting it on when the kids are awake. Talk about a buzzkill!
See, my kids have just reached iPad-age, also known as the age when they’re finally old enough to happily zone out in front of the TV (or an iPad) and watch more shows than a network executive. If you’ve ever watched your kid watching TV, you know they turn into total zombies. Their hearing becomes impaired except for what’s being spoken on the screen. They’re nearly catatonic. I can see how, in theory, this seems like a good time for us to sneak away and make some magic of our own. But it’s not and I just can’t do it.
My husband is forgetting that the kids don’t always zone out, just because we want them to. That’s because he usually doesn’t have to deal with the kids when they don’t want to be babysat by a TV and would prefer, instead, to be babysat by me. Because the truth of the matter is that when the kids needs a snack, a different show to watch, or they’re downright bored, they scream for me. My kids will yell “Moooooommmmmmeeee!” at the top of their lungs or until they pass out from exhaustion. And when they can’t find me, they start roaming the house looking for me. So what happens when they hunt me down in my room and find me in some sort of naked gymnastics pose with their dad? It’s enough to give them (and me) PTSD.
So no, I’m not getting wild when the kids are awake — even if they are zoned out with the iPad. There will be no funky town in my house when my kids can open the door and find me. If my hubs asks again for a midday romp, I’m going to tell him he’s out of his mind. And he better not accuse me of never wanting to have sex. I do — just not when my kids are awake and nearby.
More from The B*tch Board:
- Signs That My Husband’s Reality Is Very Different from Mine
- Dear Moms: Stop Letting Your Kids Treat You Like Crap
- 8 Things I Wish I Could Say to My Husband When He Wants a Guys’ Night Out