I had a miscarriage in August. The pregnancy had been a complete surprise—we already have a three-year-old son Mason and we were only talking about having another baby when we suddenly discovered we were pregnant—but I fell hard for this baby. Eight weeks in I told Chris, "This baby better be healthy because I'm so attached I'll be devastated if anything goes wrong." Two weeks later we learned that we had lost the baby. A day after that I had to undergo a D&C.
I was devastated. It took weeks to get through a day without crying. But even though I'm not in that crying-every-day phase any longer, I have an awful secret: I feel jealous every time I see that yet another friend on Facebook (or some celeb) is having a baby. Especially if it's her second baby.
Why? There's the obvious sadness that I feel that the little boy I was carrying, who would have been born in February, wasn't meant to be. Then there's Mason. He's jonesing for a brother or a sister. He mentions it pretty much every day and every time he tells me that he wants (no NEEDS) a sibling I feel incredibly guilty, like I'm failing him by not pulling it off. After all, plenty of his little buddies have sibs, why can't he have one right this minute too?
My husband thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't get the guilt thing at all. And he's over my jealous streak. "I hope you get to the point where you can actually be happy for other people's exciting news," he remarked over the weekend, after I admitted that I was envious of friends who just welcomed their second child. What he doesn't get is that I AM happy for them—but I'm also mourning the fact that a healthy second baby hasn't been my reality … yet.
Have you ever experienced similar feelings of jealousy? How did you cope?