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I’m glad I’m done having kids because naming them is HARD. I have zero envy for Princess Kate and Prince William who had to pick a name for their new little boy—which they finally announced is Louis Arthur Charles or His Royal Highness Prince Louis of Cambridge—because there are just so many factors to take into consideration, like:

1. Nothing with a “P” because “Prince Peter” just sounds too much like a bratty cartoon character. (My apologies to Kate’s little sister, Pippa.)

2. Speaking of sisters: Nothing she was planning on naming her future children. Because that’s just Sister Law.

3. Must be long enough for the media to make into a catchy moniker once she starts dating (think: Brangelina and Bennifer) but not too long; isn’t he eventually going to have like 12 names?

4. Honors family tradition blah blah blah.

5. Doesn’t create a monogram that’s an unflattering acronym, like “C.O.W.”

6. Has a meaning that isn’t totally lame, like “Gaelic for mulch,” or sordid, like “free with the sexytime.”

7. Is easy enough for his toddler sister to say without creating an embarrassing nickname the press will never ever ever stop using (says the girl with a weird childhood nickname thanks to her slightly older brother).

8. Is classic but not old-man classic.

9. Nothing too stripper-y or sounding like a type of candy or that her mom would raise a single eyebrow over.

10. Rolls off the tongue when you’re yelling at her and her siblings. “PRINCE LOUIS AND PRINCESS CHARLOTTE YOU STOP PLAYING CATCH WITH GRANDMA’S CROWN RIGHT NOW.”

What were your biggest obstacles in picking your kids’ names?

Photo: Getty; graphic: Kim Bongiorno